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**** 
****
~~ Gore 2000! ~~
~~ ~~ 
~~ ~~
*****SAGMEISTER’S NEWS ~~ DECEMBER 2000*****
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2000
A former Clinton White House counsel suggested Sunday that conservative Justice Anonin Scalia should have recused himself from the Florida recount case.
Eugene Scalia is a partner in the Washington office of Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher. Ted Olson, who argued the case Friday and again on Monday, is also a member of that firm.
“I would think that under that circumstance, Justice Scalia should at least tell the American people that his son indeed holds that position, that he is on retainer by the Bush Family, and give them an explanation as to why he should not recuse himself,” said attorney Lanny Davis.
In answer, court spokeswoman Cathy Arberg said today, “Mr. Scalia feels that he indeed owes an explanation to the country, in regard to his close ties to the law firm…. ...His statement is as follows: ‘I have thought the situation over, and I can honestly say to the people of the United States: Why the hell should I? I didn’t recuse himself on Friday, so why would I recuse myself on MONDAY, and what makes you motherfuckers think anyone on the SUPREME COURT should have to answer to anyone? As far as I’m concerned you can all kiss my Supreme ass.’”
Scalia, the son of an immigrant father and an Italian-American mother, graduated from Georgetown University and went on to Harvard Law School. He was appointed to the U.S. Court of Appeals by Ronald Reagan and later received his appointment to the Supreme Court from President Reagan.
He added on Friday, “I have always tended to oppose ‘judicial activism’ unless it involves good friends of mine. I felt that I had to come to the aid of that goddamned idiot for the sake of the Family and all we stood to lose if that count went through…he stands to appoint a couple more judges from the Family and we’ve got the NRA and the militia on our asses…that Governor from Montana who calls himself ‘Roscoe’ has been on our payroll and we owe him.… Hell, we all know that if the count continues, Gore will win. The Family has too much invested in this for that to happen. This decision was only prudent.”
Sources say that Justice Scalia has long been associated with the WASP branch of the Texas-located Family. “He knows the ropes,” said Karl “the Commander” Rove, spokesman for the Bush forces who are currently in hiding at the Western White House in Austin, Texas. “He’s been on the payroll for a long time and knows the ins and outs and how to put the pressure on. Ronnie was looking out for us when he picked him…you can always count on the California Family to come through…. ‘Course we had that nut Bob Dornin there in Congress for a while, but we got him beat…and then old Sonny Bono had that ‘accident’ when he ran into that tree...took care of him okay…but usually they come through for us.... We knew from the beginning that if this ever got to the Supreme Court, we had it made.”
“Don Corleone Bush had a meeting with him just the other day…. Tony came down from Washington with that darkey pervert Thomas and Bill “the Bull” Rehnquist, they had a meeting with that old hack Jim Baker who actually thinks HE’s running things…hell, after this is over, old Jim’s goin’ for a ride--be time to get rid of him--he knows too damned much. They were talking how to finish off Gore and Tony decided this would be it…it had drug on long enough …there’s more than one way of making a hit….”
Asked how he they persuaded Sandra Day O’Connor to go along for the ride, Rove said, “…didn’t take much persuasion after we delivered her that dead fish wrapped in the Washington Post…old Sandy’s a smart cookie…she kinda picked up on things.…”
And what about Justice Kennedy? he was asked. “That horse’s head in his bed just about did it. Hell, Kennedy hates blood…that guy is scared shitless of us now...” said Rove.
Asked if he had contacted Judges Stephens, Souter, Ginsburg, and Bryer, Scalia said, “Why the hell would we do that? We live in America…where the majority rules....”
…And Captain Trick E. Dix stands at the helm of the Good Ship RNC, as it lists farther to the Right, and safely steers into harbor, as former Senator-turned-Viagra Distributor Robert Dole says, as he spots George Bush’s girl Friday, Karen Hughes, standing on the pier, “Good God! Is that the great white whale?”
…And on the steamy Floridian sands of the private Floridian beach, Governor Jeb Bush lies beside a dark-haired woman named Katherine and says, “I thought you meant SAND crabs....”
…And Mariaelisamonisateresa combs her waist-length dark hair, holds her black lace teddy close to her voluptuous body, and tries to cover her full breasts with the pert nipples and her lush thighs straining against the fabric as she looks at Texas Governor, possibly President-Elect George Bush from beneath her dark long-lashed eyes, bites her full lower lip, and says, “What do chou mean, now chou can play weeth the box?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Cloud over Florida….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Big Wreck….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Possible sudden-death as game goes into overtime….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you believe that Justice Scalia is following
his concept that he will “interpret narrowly the laws of Congress
and more leniently state and local laws?”
Answer: Whatever.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2000
You have a difficult time with reality…. Face it…you are a no-good son of a bitch….
…God Bless America and please let us ALWAYS remember the EIGHTH of December…SAG
~MATTEFFECT~
~Message Board~
the matte effect;
an impure mixture of sulfides and copper producing a flat finish.
in the cinema, a trick of forced perspective
creating the illusion of great size or scope.
in the political parlence
it has,
so far,
explained bush's lead in the polls.
...matt
MikeMalloy.Net Welcomes Truthseekers!
~~Mike's Message Board~~
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GORE WENT TO 'NAM; BUSH WENT AWOL!
you'll wanna check this one out!
WHO POISONED THE WHITE RIVER, INDIANA?
"REDEMPTION" ~~ an online novel in progress
Gore Went to 'Nam - Bush went AWOL
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2000
There is no rhyme or any reason for the Supreme Court’s bit of treason….
Sighed old Judge Scalia on the Court of Supremes:
“I’ll make a ruling that will end Gore’s dreams,
This has gone on far too long,
I’m tired of hearing the Democrat’s song.”
As he sat up there in his Washington lair,
And sent out the decree that just wasn’t fair,
To end the count of all the votes,
And overturn the people’s hopes
Of a fair and sane resolution,
To the sacred institution,
Of a free open election,
Without a defection
And made the infamous recommendation,
To give us a president
By proclamation.
“We can’t have this fair hand count,
‘Cause the votes for Gore might continue to mount,
And end the hopes and all the dreams
Of George Bush and all of his schemes,
All of the plans they will destroy,
Of old George’s idiot boy….
And I have promised, I can’t be mean,
To the guy who’s hired Eugene,
My son, and legal hack,
Who works for Bush, I can’t go back
On all that I have promised him,
I’ll take a dive, gotta stay in the swim….”
So as the votes were being counted
And Al Gore’s hopes mounted,
That day in December,
Scalia ruled the ruling we will always remember,
A ruling he hoped
Would seal Gore’s fate,
In that southernmost part of that Floridian state,
Whilst the judges debated, dimples and chads,
The Bush team knew that Gore had been had.
The Friday before on the Florida ruling,
Old Jim Baker had done some retooling,
He held a news conference in which he said
That Gore’s hopes would all be dead,
When he filed a brief with the Supremes,
That would fulfill George Bush’s dreams
And end this thing once and for all,
As the Supremes heard the Republican call
To stop this count and not total the score,
So this old Republican whore
Strutted all around, did old Jim Baker,
This right-wing liar and bastard faker.
It had been just over a week,
Since the Brown Shirts had come with lots of squeak,
As they marched on Florida
In a county called Broward,
To stop the vote count,
The Fascist cowards,
And closed the door for all to see,
On any Democracy
That still might exist,
In that Florida state,
As they tried to seal Al Gore’s fate.
So the counting was stopped,
And we thought that was that,
Till the Florida Supremes,
Pulled the trick from their hat
That started the re-count that upset old Jim Baker,
And made him look like an undertaker….
And now that count he had to stop,
As he called upon his Supreme Court cops,
Judges Scalia, Kennedy, Rehnquist, Thomas, and O’Connor
Pulled this one off
Without much honor,
As they issued the ruling that said,
“Al Gore, your hopes and dreams are dead,
We have heard the Bush appeal
And the votes we now will seal,
Along with you and your party’s fate,
There’ll be no sunshine in the sunshine state.”
And as Jeb Bush plays his hand,
In the Florida legislature to a man,
Selecting his own electors,
So they can be George Bush protectors,
And not rock the Bushies’ boat
By giving him the electoral vote,
It all now seems to be decided,
And to this party
We are not invited,
For it’s the Fascists who will rule this land
With their NRA and their iron hand,
Forget Abe Lincoln and his four score…
We’re the victims of political whores.
So will we ever see an end…
What do you think, my friend?
We’ve got Katherine and Jeb,
And Karen and Karl,
And Joe Albaugh,
And old Jim Baker with his snarl…
And Uri Fleischer and that Gov from Montana,
And Mary and Rush,
Everyone but Ivana…
And Tim Russert,
And Fox and their right-wing crew,
And Powell and Schwarzkopf,
And the Olsons too…
They’re all there but Carmen Miranda,
Dishing out bullshit and propaganda.
So what are we to do?
I don't know so much about you,
But I can't just take this and try to grin,
Hold my head high and just hang in
And wait for 2004,
While the Brown Shirts dish out some more,
Just wait around for our turn at bat,
And let them shit once more on the Democrats,
Till those votes are counted I'll never rest,
I gotta take to the streets…
Gonna protest.…
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Trick E. Dix says look at me…they’ve carried out all my schemes beyond my very wildest dreams and old Bob Dole’s not thinking about corrupt, all he wants is just to be up….
…And on the hot Floridian shore, Jeb Bush lies with his political whore, and whispers into her ear, “Katherine, do not fear, you are my favorite little lass, now how about a piece of ass…?”
…And Mariaelisamonisateresa, still that cunning Kooban creature, says as she brushes her waist-length shiny hair, and smoothes her black lace teddy without a care over her voluptuous tempting figger as she tries to pull George Bush’s trigger and looks up at the Floridian skies from her long-lashed Kooban eyes as her bosoms heave and her pert nipples still send out those little ripples, “Hi thought that we would haff some funnn…but chou really harr nott a verry beeg gunn.”
…This saga will continue in a very courtly venue….
*****The SAGMEISTER NEWS*****
Clouds cover the Florida state,
No fun in the sun as we await our fate….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
All cars seen leaving Florida…
A Brown Shirt-Nazi-Fascist corridor….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Game going into extra innings,
As Supremes give Bush new beginnings….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you think that Justice Thomas gave old George Bush a promise?
Answer: You know, as well as I, this Thomas is a sleazy guy….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2000
Your day in court you’re going to rue, before the Democrats are through….
…God Bless America and help us to understand, everyone throughout this land,
why the Supreme Court Five decided to take a dive…SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2000
Ladies and gentlemun…an’ all you leetle chill’un out thar...
a good mornin’ tuh yuh, amen….
Naow, we’s a getting closer and closer,
amen and halleluiah,
to that day all o’ you younguns bin a waitin’ fer, amen...
thet DAY, amen and halleluiah,
whenst you’ll be a gettin’ up outa yore beds, amen,
and peekin’ aroun’, amen and halleluiah,
and a lookin’ to see what thet jolly ol’ MAN has abringed yuh….
You knows you wuz a layin’ there and heard HIM in the night, right?
Amen and halleluiah…
an’ he wuz up there on that roof?…
and HE came daown thet chimley?…
and he brung yuh jus’ whut yuh wanted?…all o’ them video games…
an’ maybe a mountain bike…or some new clothes...?….
Oney…you’s just a KIDDIN’ yore ma and dad…right?…
cuz you don’t REALLY bleeve thet, naow do yuh?.…
You’s just a makin’ them THINK thet, RIGHT?…
tuh make THEM feel better, amen and halleluiah….
And thet’s kinda yore gift tuh THEM?…
cuz you know deep in yore HEARTS thet thar hain’t NOBODY in this world
gonna go ‘round GIVIN’ you NOTHIN’, amen….
They just APPEAR TO, amen….
No sir’…ain’t no old man in a sleigh gonna GIVE yuh nothin’….
‘Twas a MAN that goes to work ever’ day…
amen and halleluiah,
and feeds yuh and loves yuh, amen….
HE’S the one that gave thet stuff tuh yuh...amen…
Ain’t no RICH guy runnin’ roun’ the world, amen, a talkin’ to a bunch of reindeers
and passin’ out toys, gonna do NOTHIN’ fer yuh….
Hit’s the HARD WORKERS,
amen and halleluiah,
like yore dad an’ yore mom…amen,
THEY’S THE ONES, amen and halleluiah….
An’ thar’s this RICH man who’s bin a sittin’ there in TAXES
who STILL bleeves in Sandy Clause an’ havin’ things give tuh him
an’ his mom and dad they give HIM a bunch of toys to play with…
…oney them TOYS was YOU an’ yore mommy and yore daddy,
amen and halleluiah….
An’ he wuz a playin’ with YUH...a tellin’ yuh how much yuh meant to him…
how he wanted things to be right fer yuh…
an’ he smiled…and laughed ‘cause he was a havin’ fun with yuh….
An’ naow his mom and dad maybe got to tell HIM
that he can’t have them TOYS no longer MAYBE, amen…
They’s maybe gotta tell this RICH guy that MAYBE
he’s a gonna have to STOP, amen, a toyin’ with yuh….
And all these things that APPEARED to be tuh him jus’ hain’t no more,
amen an’ halleluiah….
And that that OTHER guy, that hard workin’ guy
who don’t do no reindeer talkin’ and don’t PLAY with no PEEPUL TOYS
is a gonna TRY be th’ one to make yore CHRISTMAS a little better...
by givin’ yuh back yore country…almos’ as good as new…
an’ yore freedom an’ a chancet MAYBE, amen, to vote in a ‘nother ‘leckshun….
And then MAYBE iffen we kin all tell thet RICH GUY,
amen an’ halleluiah,
thet he has to put away his TOYS cuz we’s tired a bein’ played with,
we kin ALL go back to bleevin’
in Sandy Clause
jus’ a leetle bit.…
...Amen an’ Halleluiah… ...The Rev.
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEEKEND UPDATE
SATTIREDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2000
TALLAHASSEE, FL: Martin County’s supervisor of elections--accused of a mistake that could put thousands of absentee votes at risk--slipped quietly into a Leon County courtroom Wednesday morning.
Ms. Robbins, disguised as Bush point man Jim Baker, listened as she was accused of allowing Republicans to alter absentee ballots under her watch. Sitting anxiously as she heard the pretrial hearings, Ms. Robbins/Baker later said, “This is a thankless job. I was working under enormous pressure. I was just trying to speed the voting process. If the ballots had not been altered before the election, they would have had to have been altered election day and we were so busy handing out those phony ballots, jamming the voting machines, and intimidating minorities and the elderly that we could not have possibly gotten everything done.”
Ms. Robbins/Baker is accused of letting treasurer Tom Hauck, of Martin County’s Executive Committee, place numbers on absentee ballots. “I was just trying to correct some mistakes,” said Mr. Hauck. “I was just innocently trying to help everyone in our county to vote Republican.”
Barry Richard, attorney for the Bush Team, said, “Mr. Hauck was only implementing the Bush/Cheney team “Uniter” program by uniting everyone under one party. We are the big tent,” he said. “We want to cover up everybody.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL: The President of Florida’s Senate said today that Gov. Jeb Bush had indicated his willingness to sign special legislation intended to award Florida’s 25 Electoral College votes to his brother Gov. George W. Bush of Texas, even as the election results were still being counted. When asked if he didn’t think this action a little premature, the Governor replied, “I don’t see why we have to wait on the vote count to be completed. Since when does the fact that Gore has won the popular vote, and is still ahead in the electoral vote, determine the outcome of this election?”
Last week, in a secret conversation with Tom Feeney, the Speaker of the House, Mr. Bush said Republican legislators would need to demonstrate “political courage” in calling a special session. “A session like this will exact a certain price,” he said. “But I’m sure they will come through. Florida has the best state legislators, the best circuit court judges, and the best election officials money can buy.”
WASHINGTON, DC: On Sunday, Dick Cheney, speaking through an oxygen mask from his hospital bed in his transition office in the suburbs of Virginia, called for Vice President Al Gore to concede the Presidential election. “History will regard Mr. Gore in a better light if he lets George have his own way about this. He needs to bring this to a close in the very near future.” Adding that he thought this nation was on the verge of a recession he laid the groundwork for public pressure on the Vice President. “This nation needs George W. Bush and his tax cuts for the wealthy in order to keep the working man in his place, and economic indicators are indicative of the indication that indicates the importance of a new administration so that we can get to work on them. We need to get on with it, time is short,” he said as he submitted himself to CPR as his secretary/nurse took his blood gases.
“He is right. I fear this is a grave matter,” said Digem Deepe, Mr. Cheney’s adviser. “If this continues, Mr. Cheney is in danger of making an ash of himself.”
WASHINGTON, DC: John Ashcroft, R-Mo., the Senator who lost his seat to a dead man, when deceased Governor Mel Carnahan of that state won over him in the election on Nov. 7, said yesterday that he was honored to go down in history as the only man ever beaten by a man from the other side. “I feel it a distinct privilege to become the first Republican to be beaten by a dead Democrat,” he said. “And in a gesture of friendship, I would like to say that I hope all Republicans have the opportunity to run against a dead Democrat in the future.”
Trent Lott, head of the committee to find more dead Democrats, replied, “As soon as the new Republican Congress meets, we will, under the auspices of the Bush/Cheney Administraton, enact legislation that will insure every Republican of the same opportunity that was afforded Mr. Ashcroft. I have every respect for the opposition and maintain that the only good Democrat is a dead Democrat, as demonstrated by the good people of Missouri in November’s election. We intend to expedite the matter.”
Mr. Lott was later heard to say that he was hoping that, in the future, a Republican would have the honor of running against a dead Bill Clinton.
HUNTSVILLE, TX: The state of Texas performed its record 40th execution of the year by giving a shot in the arm, Thursday, to an inmate who murdered a liquor store owner during a 1989 holdup. Claude Jones, a 60-year-old electrician, was put to death in the third execution this week in Texas.
“I have set a new record,” Texas Governor, President-Elect George W. Bush proudly acclaimed. “Under my leadership, the State of Texas has put 151 people to death and 238 in all--more than any other state.”
Texas has 444 people on death row and already has seven executions scheduled for next year, including three in January.
“These cases has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases,” said Governor Bush, as he viewed this latest snuff film. “But I feel that states have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions, particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live--or not.”
...More deep thoughts from a dead head….
…And as the Good Ship RNC lists farther to the right, Captain Trick E. Dix steps back from the helm as former Senator-Viagra Distributor Robert Dole says, “You sure this ain’t a bum steer..?”
…And on the hot sands of the private Floridian beach, Governor Jeb Bush lies close to his lover, Katherine Harris, and tells her how his wife doesn’t understand him as he cups his hand over her willing ass and says, “I kept telling her I wanted to snuggle…not smuggle….”
…And Mariaelisamonisateresa shrugs her shoulders as her shiny waist-length hair blows in the tropical Florida breeze and her black lace teddy falls from her satiny shoulders, revealing her voluptuous figure with the inviting thighs, and her full bosoms with the pert nipples tremble as she says to Texas Governor George Bush as he tries to pull her close, “Whats do chou mean chou are Preezsident ERECT?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Let the sunshine in….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Signals crossed….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Gore about to punt….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you honestly think that Judges can be bought?
Answer: Get serious.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
SATTIREDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2000
It is only right that you have a positive attitude since you are positively a horse’s ass.
…God Bless America and let us ALWAYS remember what the Republicans did to us this November…SAG
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2000
When Democrat Al Gore called his Republican rival in the wee hours of what was thought to be Election Night, to retract his concession in the Presidential race, the usually affable George W. Bush admits he was less than “warm and fuzzy.”
“I was fairly corrupt,” he said today, his lower lip trembling and the bandaid which was covering the boil on his cheek soaked with tears. “I was taken aback. I surrealize that he done what he had to did,” Bush said in his first detailed description of the telephone conversation that set in motion the protracted legal wrangling over who won on Nov. 7. “But why he done done it is still raffling me.”
The Vice President’s fateful second call came about an hour after he had conceded, when he realized the Texas Governor’s margin in Florida was so slight it had triggered an automatic recount.
“And then when he called me agin, I was once more taken aback again, much more than I had been taken aback the first time he had called me when I was taken aback perversely.”
In downtown Austin, the telephone in the Governor’s mansion rang at about 3:30 AM EST on Nov. 8, as Bush, his younger brother Jeb, the Governor of Florida, his parents Barb and “Poppy,” and Bush’s wife, the former call-girl and well-known hit-and-run driver, Laura from Laredo, were gathered in the family living room preparing for a victory speech.
“I was a sittin’ right there watchin’ cartoons...and I took both calls,” said Bush on Tuesday, in an interview at the Texas Governor’s mansion and broadcast on the impartial CBS program “61 Minutes Too.” “And I was watchin’ that one about Hansel and Gretchen …the one that’s got that witch eatin’ them people up and I had just asked Jeb if she didn’t kind of remind him of Katherine Harris, and he said... ‘Well, bro, nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from Kate’s oven…’ and then Dad and Jeb and I started talkin’ about pussy and one thing kinda led to another…and then the phone rang and the little hand was on the three and the big hand was on the six and so I knowed what time it was...even though I was…you know…all het up…we had the members of The Family there, and Jeb and me and all of we were going to go to the State Capital which is just a stoned throw from the Governor’s Mansion, and since I am the Governor I was in that mansion at the time because that is where the Governor lives…in the Governor’s mansion…and Jeb said, ‘It’s Gore and he’s concealing just like I told you…we stopped them blacks from voting and those Jews and Katherine did her thing…you got it, bro...’”
“I was…you know, all respectant and then...when Gore called I was really…upset,” said Bush as he sobbed uncontrollably. “It kinda bothered me when the Vice President said he had some information to show the election was going to be closer than he thought and he was going to take it all back…he was very polite though…his exact words were…“You are not the winner, you election-stealing son of a bitch…you and your Family thought you had this all sewed up, but we have reason to suspect voter fraud and we are going to nail your asses, you dope-smoking moronic bastard....”
“Here we had the streets all roped off in Austin for this calibration…” he said with tears running down his cheeks, his red-rimmed eyes almost swollen shut, and a new boil starting to reveal itself, “…had the tables all set up…and then that bastard refracted his compression and turned them tables on us…it’s just like all the networks and Tim Russert said during the champagne, he is a liar….”
“Due to Gore’s contraction, I got to be President-Erect for less than an hour,” he went on, sniffing audibly. “After he said what he said when he said it we all went to bed…I was tard, but heedless to say, this has been an interesting appearance. I can honestly say I was not snippy over the telephone. I do not even know what ‘snippy’ means. We do not use that word in Texas. If he means I was a little corrupt and cut him off…well, maybe.”
“Not that I am angry,” he said, drying his eyes on the skirts of Karen Hughes, his girl Friday, on Tuesday, as he prepared to give the nation a Christmas message. “I was a little disappointed, but at this time of the year, I would like to say that I am a people person and people people love people as all peoples should, because as I, your almost President-Defect, often say, ‘If people people do not love people, who will love the people who need the loving that people people often need when they need it?’ That is a favorite saying of mine along with ‘how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?’ We, as a nation, should ponder on that and protect our wildlife and remember that when we are out chucking. That brings to mind the economy and that book I was reading the other day about Peter’s Pipe and the pickling of peckers which got me to wondering…and I asked myself this question…‘if Peter Pipe really had a pickled pecker, why after all this time haven’t we found out about this?’ What else has the Clinton-Gore menstruation hid from us? And I wondered if Peter himself was pickled? And how does that transpolate into Family Values? That is the key to my ‘Just say Now’ program.”
“As for tax belief…and the basis of our economy…ask yourselves the question, ‘Are them really fizzy numbers?’ …And then consecrate on the question now before the courts, once again regarding Peter, which are were Peter merely an absentee? It is like Jim Baker said the other day, did Peggy Robbins, the stupevisor of elections, have Peter’s number? Was Peter really on top of things? Exactly what was Peter’s position? Is Peter a registered Democrat? Did Peter pickle the peppers himself, violating child labor laws, or did he get pickled, violating the serving of alcohol to minors? Was Peter dimpled? Or was Peter hung?”
“These are the questions that must be asked and unanswered before this Residency is decided. I would like to say that I was given an intelligence grieving only yesterday in reparation for my takeover of the oral office, and I can now say that I firmly believe in a bi-courtesan foreign policy that ends at the water’s edge…because, as I can well rectify, you can lead a man to water but you can’t make him think.”
“…But right now, as the Crispus season approaches, I, as your almost Remander-in-Thief, am consecrating on serious things like Xmas tree orntaments, and after close observation, I can tell you that no matter how well your balls are hung…they can be broke.”
…And as the Good Ship RNC continues on its way, listing more and more to the right but deftly steered by Captain Trick E. Dix, ship’s cook, former Senator, and Viagra distributor Robert Dole puts his arm around the captain and excitedly asks, as he spots a whale in the stormy seas, “Did you see Moby’s dick?”
…And on the hot Floridian sands of the private Floridian beach, Florida Governor Jeb Bush clasps Katherine to him and murmurs tenderly in her ear…”maybe you look more like Bruce Willis….”
…And Mariaelisamonisateresa lets her waist-length black hair blow in the breeze as she tries to fasten her black lace teddy over her voluptuous figure and vainly tries to cover her heaving bosoms with the pert nipples and brushes a tear from her dark long-lashed eyes as her full pouty lower lip trembles and she says to Texas Governor George Bush as he zips up his fly and tries to cover up yet another boil, “Hi thought Hi wass een thee lan’ uff thee Free…not thee lan’ of thee FREAKS….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Stormy weather…as heat increases….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Main arteries becoming congested….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Courts are full as arguments over score continue….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you believe George W. Bush when he says he does not know what “snippy” means?
Answer: I do.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2000
You are always hungry for fresh meat…. ...That’s why you’re full of baloney….
…God Bless America and let us never relent as Gore continues his fight to be our President…SAG
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2000
With his back to the wall, Vice President Gore said yesterday he remains optimistic that the Florida Supreme Court will order a manual recount of enough disputed ballots to give him the Presidency, as Texas Gov. George W. Bush pressed ahead with transition planning in a Republican effort to put more pressure on Gore to concede soon.
But self-proclaimed President-Elect of Texas and Florida George W. Bush sent recent heart attack victim Vice-Presidential-Elect Richard Cheney to Capitol Hill yesterday to confer with Congressional leaders in another signal of his determination towards a government takeover, saying that he was planning on a seizure. “We have been planning this coup for over eight years,” said Trent Lott, addressing the leaders of the Republican Party on Tuesday. “Due to intimidation by the enthusiastic stalwart fearless members of our great party, which delivered us a fraudulent vote, and the manipulations of the Florida legislature, we are on the threshold of a new dawning of America. We will not be denied our prize.”
Mr. Lott’s announcement was followed by a news conference held by Speaker of the House Tom DeLay who said, “I would like to announce that due to the enormous help that the Reverend Pat Robertson gave Mr. Bush by intimidating poor blacks in South Carolina during that primary and enabling him to win a victory in that state, he is now being made Radio Coordinator of the Congress. Anyone wishing to schedule a program in which they will further create ill feelings toward the Democrat Party is urged to contact Mr. Robertson at 1-800-I AM-HATE. All phone calls will be monitored for training purposes.” Mr. Robertson could not be reached for comment, as he was conducting a meeting at the annual Hustlers for Jesus Convention in Austin, Texas.
In further business on Tuesday, Mr. Cheney said, as he adjusted his oxygen mask and took a nitro pill, “I would like to clarify the decision made by Judge Sauls yesterday just before I transferred some oil stock options to him and greased the wheels of justice. I believe that the great Judge Sanders Sauls validated the decisions that had been made previously to the other decisions that were rendered before the Florida Supreme Court made their decision that instigated the decisions made by the U.S. Supreme Court before the District Courts in Atlanta had made their decision and find this very decisive.”
In an interview with the CBS News program “61 Minutes II,” Bush graciously said, “I do not consider Gore a sore loser because he refuses to give up, even though my dad and my brother had this thing wrapped up for me a long time ago. He’s probably doing what he thinks is right. I am just lucky to be part of a loving Family.”
In other Tuesday events, the Texas Governor received his first intelligence briefing which lasted about three minutes. “We didn’t want to give him more than he could absorb,” said National Security Officer Gityer Gunn. “He was busy with his video games and we realize ‘first things first.’ He’s damn good at that Pac-Man II.”
Later, Governor Bush, in a statement released by Karen Hughes, his girl Friday, on Wednesday said, “I will be ready to make some pronouncements about my Cabinet once there is a clear solution of the selection repute. I am sure the courts will have to reach a fecunality in this excision, but the American defectorate must realize that me and my mignons have got to get moving on this translation and know that I am infirm in the stand that I will not be held hostile even by my own mother.” Repeating his statement from last Saturday that he will “ bring digitality to the oral office and will restore comedy to the desperate political infractions,” Ms. Hughes concluded, as she adjusted her gun belt, “This is the Governor’s final statement on this matter until we hear the Supreme Court decision on this tomorrow when Mr. Thomas has lunch with Mr. Bush Sr.”
The legal battle for the election shifted to federal courts for the day on Tuesday with the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Atlanta hearing oral argument on Bush’s effort to have the manual recounts declared unconstitutional. When asked his thoughts on this situation, Mr. Bush said, “All I’ve been hearing about is Al Gore’s briefs. It’s time we got back to Family Values.”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, as it sails ever forward on its Washington DC destination, still listing heavily to the right, Captain Trick E. Dix stands at the helm and inspects the ship’s compass as former Senator-turned-Viagra distributor Robert Dole says, “I said let me STEER, not Queer.…”
…And on the hot Floridian sands on the private Florida beach, Florida Governor Jeb Bush lies with Secretary of State Katherine Harris in a passionate embrace and whispers, “Maybe you look more like Danny DeVito….”
…And Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes her waist-length shiny hair back from her perfect oval face and uncovers her dark long-lashed sultry eyes as she adjusts her black lace teddy over her voluptuous body trying to cover the lush thighs and full bosoms with the perky nipples and says to boil-covered Texas Governor George Bush as he nervously scratches his rear, “Are chou peeking out chour seat?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Heat’s on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bumper to bumper….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Gore may have slam-dunk….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
As the days grow closer for the Florida Supreme Court to make Answer: Turn them off. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE***** At last you are free to go away and please yourself. Pull the blinds. …God Bless America and please let our trials be about over…SAG …And so I continue in this rhyming venue, writing all this stuff for you, as the days go by and we wonder why this had to be in the land of the Free…. Sighed Judge Sanders Sauls as he rocked in his chair: ….And on the Good Ship RNC, as it rolls along on the waves of deceit, Trick E. Dix says it won’t be long until they’ll be playing his favorite song, as they head for that Washington Shore to kick the hell out of poor Al Gore and former Senator old Robert Dole, the despicable Republican mole, the terrible liar and right-wing thief, starts in humming “Hail to the Chief….” …And on the soft Floridian sand, Governor Jeb Bush says, “This is my land, I own this state, lock, stock and gun, and now Kate and I can have some fun,” as he counts the votes in the legislature for the electors as is his nature, and Katherine sinks to her knees with a deep sigh as she smiles to herself and unzips old Jeb’s fly.… …And Mariaelisamonisateresa, that shy, cunning, foxy creature with the turned up nose and classic features, brushes her shiny waist-length hair, flutters her eyes, and hasn’t a care as she smoothes her dainty black lace teddy over that figure that is always ready and exposes one of the pert little nipples that have been known to cause some ripples in that Commie Land just miles away, turns to George Bush and is heard to say, “Meestair Boosh, Hi hope chour plans they foil…because chou are chust juan beeg boil….” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you think that Philip Beck, Bush’s lawyer that caused this wreck, Answer: Despite all the speculation, think of Boise’s reputation, * * * * * *****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE***** As your plans start falling into place, all you Nazis are a national disgrace…. …God Bless America…and please let the Florida Supremes be the answer to Al Gore’s dreams…SAG Dick Cheney called Sunday for Vice President Al Gore to concede the Presidential election, saying history would regard Mr. Gore “in a better light if he were to bring this to a close in the very near future.” Speaking on the NBC News program “Meet the Press,” Mr. Cheney told impartial moderator Tim Russert, who was still wearing his Bush/Cheney pin, that he believed the nation was on the verge of recession and could only be saved by a tax cut such as the one proposed by self-proclaimed President of Texas and Florida, President-Elect George W. Bush, during the campaign. Mr. Cheney looked forceful in his Presidential Cyanosis Blue serge suit as he predicted that unless Team Bush was recognized as the winner in the recently held and now contested Presidential election, the country would suffer dire consequences. “I cannot talk enough about troubling indicators,” said Mr. Cheney, as he adjusted his oxygen mask. “All this conflict is eating up the transition period,” he said, while monitoring his blood pressure with the latest Omron Regency automatic inflatable kit. “We may well be on the front edge of something deep--this is a grave matter. I have been digging into this and have not been farther than six feet from my desk all day. It is just the makeup of things. We will need more insurance in our coffins--er--uh coffers in order to present ourselves as lily white. We cannot just sit around with our hands folded across our chests and wait for someone to deliver our eulogy...I feel that Governor…er...uh…President-Elect Bush and I have been chosen as the undertakers…er…uh…caretakers of this nation…and will in time forge a headstone…er…uh…cornerstone…in our efforts to cross over to the other side….we must remain awake. There may be such a thing as we could bypass these troubling arteries that have clogged our thinking and proceed with the proper coronary care as we listen to the heartbeat of this great nation as they exercise their rights and realize that the far right of this new program will merely cut the excess fat from the body of the electorate and make them healthier in the long run.” Warren Christopher, the former Secretary of State who is helping Mr. Gore in his fight in Florida, said the Vice President had no intention of giving up while the legal challenges in Florida and at the United States Supreme Court were still under way. “It’s late in the innings but it’s far from over. I believe that when all is said and done that Mr. Gore will prevail. The score is still tied and we are now into overtime. And when this overtime is all played out--we may have to go into the sudden death period.” Upon hearing of Mr. Christopher’s remarks, the Bush/Cheney team immediately contacted Barry Richard who filed a lawsuit against the Gore/Lieberman team charging that Mr. Christopher had threatened Mr. Cheney’s life. The Gore/Lieberman team promptly responded by filing a suit against the Bush/Cheney team in which they charged that Bush/Cheney was jumping the gun, which was the instigation of the lawsuit filed this morning in criminal court charging the Gore/Lieberman forces with carrying guns without permits. This action led the Vice President to make a sudden appearance on all networks in which he said, “I resent the Bush/Cheney staff inferring that Mr. Christopher and I would go off half-cocked.” Which initiated Governor Bush’s answer from his ranch in Austin, Texas, where he had just arrived from his ranch in Waco, after just coming in from Laredo, that “I am always prepared with my finger on the frigger.” This motivated Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Tuesday to say, “The Governor wishes for me to relate to America that he misspoke. He was merely trying to convey that he was indeed conducting the transition in a Presidential manner and has the highest regard for all you motherfuckers.” Miss Hughes later said that SHE had misspoke and meant to say “all you mothers and out-of-luckers.” This incited a member of the People of America For Any Old Way to immediately file a lawsuit against Bush/Cheney. Whorelene Amagoosee said today, as she left the offices of her attorney, legal eagle Sue Themmall, “I resent the inference that Ms. Huge made in her remarks. I feel that both my privacy and the members of my organization have been invaded. As an American, it is nobody’s business who we fuck. I just filed a lawsuit to that effect.” This prodded the Mothers of America System or MA’S to file a lawsuit in circuit court against the lawyers representing the America Any Old Way organization, which led to a violent demonstration outside the Get-A-Little-Bit-By-The-Sea retirement home in Tallahassee, where former Secretary of State and Republican spokesman, former Secretary of State Jim Baker was spending the night with Ima Goodone, a long-time friend. Mr. Baker said in a news conference today, “Those mothers came in there and busted up all the wheelchairs…and took away my walker...I am filing a lawsuit in response to this abusive and callous treatment..” To which the Mothers replied, “That is a lame excuse.” Judge Sanders Sauls said from his rocking chair today, in his best homespun manner as he chewed on a broken matchstick, whittled away at a Twig, and took a swig from a bottle of “Old Wisdom,” a whiskey made from Texas cacti, “I have heard all the evidence regarding the evidence and I will take this into consideration while I am considering, and I hope to hell there will be no more arguments, now let’s have another recess….” Which leads this reporter to surmise that, say what you will, old Judge Sauls is a merry old Sauls and a merry old Sauls is he…. …And on the Good Ship RNC, Trick E. Dix rubs the sleep from his eyes, scans the horizon looking for signs of life, and asks former Senator-Viagra Distributor Robert Dole as he scans himself for signs of life, “Are you up?” …And on the private Floridian pier on the private Floridian beach, Governor Jeb Bush lies on the steamy Floridian sands and says to a dark-haired woman named Katherine… “Are you SURE you’re not Ted Danson?” …And Mariaelisamonisateresa wiggles into her barely titty covering black lace teddy as her tangled shiny waist-length hair blows in the Florida breeze, while Texas Governor George W. Bush looks at her voluptuous figure and the firm bosoms with the perky nipples and the dark long-lashed eyes, as she smiles revealing perfect even white teeth, and says, “Turn around so I can see your dimples…” and listens to her as she asks in her sultry voice, “Do my deempuls count?” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you believe the polls that say the American people want Gore to drop, Answer: Only you know…and if you’re as smart as I think you are…. * * * * * *****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE***** A moon could disrupt routines and slow things down...keep your pants up. …God Bless America and please help our trials be over…SAG Dear Readers--Today is yet another day in the parade of days since November 7 that have had no reason--so let’s try a little rhyme…. Sighed Jeb the Governor in a county called Dade, ...And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Trick E. Dix says, “Just look at me, I’m steering this ship, ain’t it grand? The GOP will rule this land...” and old Bob Dole, who is just coming down, from a Viagra High, looks like a clown as he furrows his brows and does a dance and forgets to zip up his GOP pants…. …And on the private Floridian pier, Jeb tells Katherine there’s nothing to fear--Gore’s fate is sealed and the dye is cast and he thinks of getting a piece of ass…. …And Mariaelisamonisateresa, that very sly cunning creature, combs her shiny waist-length hair, this Kooban Kutie who is so fair, and steps out of her black lace fragile teddy, and tells George Bush that she is ready as her bosoms heave and cause quite a ripple as she displays one pert little nipple and looks at him through her long-lashed eyes and he thinks that he has quite a prize. This gal here is quite a zinger--if he didn’t have that boil on the end of his whanger…. To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Why are they keeping George in a bubble? Are they afraid he’ll get into trouble? Answer: Ask the Nazi Karen Hughes. She knows what lights the Idiot’s fuse…. * * * * * *****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE***** Soon you’ll know what you have wrought---from all those judges you have bought…. …God Bless America and as we contemplate the GOP and our terrible fate, and watch that Texan out on his ranch *****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET***** Ladies and gentulmun, an’ a good mornin’ tuh yuh, amen…. ...Amen an’ Halleluiah… ...Th’ Rev. WASHINGTON, DC: The Supreme Court heard a plea filed by the Bush Forces at 10 AM, Friday morning. Presiding over the hearing were the nine justices, seven of whom were appointed by Republican Presidents. Two of them, Clarence Thomas and Antony Scalia, were appointed by George H. W. Bush, the Head of the Bush Family in Austin, Texas. Mr. Thomas is married to a member of the Bush Family, and Mr. Scalia’s son Eugene, a Washington lawyer, is on retainer by the Family. When the Justices were asked if that would influence them in their decision, they issued this joint statement: “We would like to assure the country that we would not influence the outcome of this election any more than Jeb Bush or Katherine Harris or the Florida Legislature, Fox Network, and the corporate media has done. We are as impartial as they.” MIAMI, FL: The last of a million South Florida ballots, summoned by a state judge who acted like he didn’t give a good damn when he gave the order to have them delivered to the Tallahassee courthouse, began a 469-mile journey before dawn Friday for delivery. Two white Ryder rental vans--one full of ballots, the other empty and serving as an emergency vehicle, spoke ill of the Ryder company’s efficiency. Are they saying that people who rent Ryder vehicles should rent two? …A pair….a spare? Nevertheless, promptly at 6 AM, the fearless drivers of these vehicles, the center of a convoy of police cars holding observers from the Democrat and Republican parties, along with some top media reporters still wearing their Bush/Cheney campaign badges, left downtown Miami. “This is a top secret operation,” said secret-secret operative Jimbo Bond who was flown in from his hacienda in freedom-loving Cuba to supervise the operation, as three movers and five police officers carted the ballots from a storage room to the waiting trucks. Speaking into his shoe phone to an unknown contact known only as Madame Secretary, Mr. Bond was the epitome of efficiency as he performed his duties. “Move ‘em on out,” he was heard to say, as a silence fell over the area and the famous words “Gentlemen, Start Your Engines” rung in the early morning air, and with that, the famous convoy started for Tallahassee, led by a dark-haired woman named Katherine driving a Ryder van with the words “Rent Me” etched across the top of its windshield. WASHINGTON, DC: The Republicans are being criticized for keeping information regarding Richard Cheney’s heart attack last week not only from the public but also from their self-proclaimed President-Elect, George W. Bush. A recent photo op disclosed that the Texas Governor has broken out anew with several boils on his face. “We decided it was best to keep Sonny as blissfully ignorant of things as he usually is,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Saturday. “He has been having some eruptions that have disturbed him and he has been working on the DC takeover with his brother Fredo these past few days.” “We are working on the transposition,” said Mr. Bush, when interviewed at his ranch on Friday, “establishing the duties of people in the menstruation, etc. So far, it has been decided that Dick will do all the work and I will go to all the funerals, unless it is Dick’s funeral and then we will both go.” MIAMI, FL: Alex Penelas, the 38-year-old Democratic mayor of Miami-Dade County and a rising star of South Florida politics, is the latest figure to emerge in the ballot ballast blast of Indecision 2000. Last Tuesday, as the county’s hand recount racked up dozens of votes for Vice President Gore, the enterprising mayor had lunch at the Governor’s Club in Tallahassee with a Republican state legislator. He later met with other Republican big-wig lawmakers. It turns out that Mr. Penelas is wanting to run for Congress in 2002, and besides stacking the deck against the Vice President by nominating their own electors, the Florida legislature will draw new Congressional districts. Mr. Penelas is keeping on the good side of the Don and his sons, Sonny and Fredo. The day after the luncheon date, three members of the Miami-Dade County Canvassing Board, one of whom works for Mr. Penelas, voted to stop the manual recount and canceled plans to review 10,750 ballots that would have given Mr. Gore the Presidency. The vote was contrary to the Florida Supreme Court’s ruling. When contacted by the Gore campaign staff, Mr. Penelas apologized and said he would issue a statement calling for the count to resume. In his statement, he said, “I have no jurisdiction over the board’s decision.” The statement was signed “Congressman-Elect 2002, Alex Penelas.” AUSTIN, TX: Emerging from the “Western White House” in Austin today, self-appointed President-Elect George W. “Sonny” Bush said, as he stepped in a cow paddy, “I have nothing but contretemps for the Florida Supreme Court. At the present time, me and my mignons is moving on the translation, as we call all the right people to solve this problem and have a convergence. I want to assure the American people that no one, not even my own mother, will ever hold me hostile and that I will bring digitality to the oral orifice and restore comedy to the desperate political fractions.” You tell ‘em, George, I shudder. …And on the Good Ship RNC, all is serene as the seas seem to have calmed and Ship’s Captain Trick E. Dix, standing at the helm, pops a pill and watches as former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship’s Cook Robert Dole also swallows a tiny tablet and says, “All rise….” …And on the private Floridian pier on the private Floridian beach, Florida Governor Jeb “Fredo” Bush and his partner in Grime, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, lie closely together on the steamy Floridian sand as he whispers softly into her ear, “...You don’t really look like Ted Danson….” …And Mariaelisamonisateresa tosses her head saucily as her waist-length shiny dark hair sways in the soft Florida breeze and her black lace barely titty covering teddy hangs loosely over her voluptuous body and her firm full breasts with the pert nipples heave with passion as she looks at Texas Governor George W. “Sonny” Bush flirtatiously from beneath her long-lashed dark eyes and says, “Ees eet troo that Hi make chour blood boil?” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Do you accept columnist William Safire’s half-apology in this statement? Answer: I sure as hell don’t. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE***** There aren’t many people who are given a chance to start over like this…now call your parole officer. …God Bless America and remember Jessie J. who says... “Let us strive to keep hope alive… The President of Florida’s Senate said today that Governor Jeb “Fredo” Bush has indicated his willingness to sign special legislation which would convene the Florida legislature, thus enabling them to award Florida’s 25 Electoral College votes to his brother, Governor George W. Bush of Texas, even as the election results are being contested. When asked if he did not think this might look suspicious, in light of voter fraud that was and still is being discovered, the Floridian Governor replied, “Just because I am the Governor of this state and control the legislature and the Florida Secretary of State, Tammy Faye Harris, who certified the votes Sunday is my lover--are you insinuating that if that governing body acted on their own political volition and if they know what is good for them, they will throw the vote to my big brother, because I promised it to him and have their addresses and phone numbers, you are entirely off base. I resent this bit of political slander that has erupted from the other side and I protest vehemently.” Andrew Card, a.k.a. Andreas “The Joker” Cardalino, is a one-time Massachusetts legislator and member of the New England Family, a Massachusetts RNC state chairman, and part-time driver for Don Carlo Bush in his first bid for the Presidency. Cardalino “Card” has been chosen to take the helm of the ship of state when and if George “Sonny” Bush enters the White House. When interviewed, he said today, “Me and the boys have got a bead on dose guys in that Florida legislature--got ‘em all lined up okay--the fix is in.” “Card” was also instrumental to the Don in the critical New Hampshire primary in the 80s, in the old Don’s successful bid for mob boss, by turning back the takeover attempt of former Senator Robert “Don Juan” Dole and his Washington gang, thus enabling the Don to take over the Washington Family. Cardalino, a long-time member of the New England Gangland Family, or “Patriots,” went on to serve as deputy White House Chief of Staff for three years before the Don named him Secretary of Transportation. Karl Rove, chief strategist for George W. “Sonny” Bush and a member of the WASP Family in Austin, says, “The Don gave Card the title of Secretary of Transportation--hell--all he did was serve as “driver” for the old man…start his car up to make sure no one had wired it up--insured him against any hits…he was doing okay until Clinton came in from Arkansas--made the Don mad--swore to get even. The Don has connections since his CIA days and can call in favors at a moment’s notice…whattaya think Jim Baker’s doing here? Think it’s because he likes him? ...He owes the Don big time...and Clarence Thomas? …That old darkie thinks he’s a Supreme? There ain’t no one more Supreme than the Don….” Cardalino served as liaison to the incoming Arkansas team after the Don went to the mattresses in the ‘92 election race in his bid for reelection. “He was right there--he knows the ropes,” said Dan Bartlett, also a member of the WASP Family in Austin. “He is street smart--he knows how to circle back.” “Andy was John Sununu’s deputy,” said Rich “Little Richard” Bond, a veteran GOP operative who has known Card since the 1970s. “But while John, ‘The Traveler,’ was sometimes rude, Andy is one smooth son of a bitch--he is a unifier--he knows there is only ONE way to do things….” When asked what George “Sonny” Bush’s “unifier” plans are, Card said, “We plan to unify the American people by doing away with all parties other than the Republican Party. We will act according to the great Don Richard Nixon’s plans, which went awry after Watergate. Due to the imprisonment of many members of the Family--there was G. Gordon Liddy and then that little dope-smuggling thing with Oliver North, and members of the Reagan Californian Family--we had to bide our time until the Republican Congress took control eight years ago. Then the Southern Family took over…Lott, Hutchinson, Barr, that little pansy Lyndsey Graham--and old Don Strom Thurmond. Then we had Hyde...from Illinois, and Burton and McIntosh from Indiana. Hyde and Burton were in their late 50s and just emerging from their adolescent indiscreet years--they were still banging around and McIntosh had just been saved for the third time--and don’t forget Newt Gingrich, a big-time mob member and gang-banger...and his Contract on America. Well, we are just about to fulfill that contract now….” Cardalino took leave from his General Motors post, where he had been “made” by the country’s top gangland chieftains and promoted to Vice President of Government Affairs, to manage Sonny’s Bush Bash in Philadelphia, the Republican Convention or the Boyz ‘n The Goods, and where, before that, he was President of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association, representing the big three Dons of automakers. “Card is smart--a real Wise Guy--Card’s a perfect fit,” said Andrew “Handy Andy” Nastios, a member of the Washington Family who worked with “Card” in the 1980 Washington campaign. “Him and Sonny will make a perfect match.” “Being Chief of Staff is like getting married,” said George “Sonny” Bush. “…You need to have somebody who is good for you. Somebody who will take your shit, make excuses for you, let you screw them regularly…and go down for you once in a while.” When interviewed in Austin yesterday, Card blushed beneath his wedding veil as he kissed the asses of Don George H. W. Bush and Big-Time Dick Cheney and said, “They are going to be a great President.” …And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Trick E. Dix fights off the advances of former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship’s Cook Robert Dole as he yells, “I said I was on the take--not on the make….” …And on the private Floridian pier on the private Floridian beach, Governor Jeb Bush holds the hand of a dark-haired woman named Katherine as she says, “Wotta yuh mean, Ambassador to Fantasy Island?” …And Mariaelisamonisateresa holds her black lace barely titty covering teddy close to her voluptuous figure, as her dark shiny waist-length hair trails down her back, and lifts her dark long-lashed eyes to look at Texas Governor George W. Bush as she says, “Eggzactly wot iss a Sheef of Steef?” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
Should Bush become President and Andrew “The Joker” Card Answer: He was. No joke. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE OF THE DAY***** You are projecting a radiant glow--next time don’t stand so close to the fireplace, dumb ass…. …God Bless America and protect us from the Double Dealers and their House of Cards…SAG
their decision regarding the counting of all the votes, do you detect an
increase in the tempo from the media calling for Gore to concede?
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2000
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2000
I’d like to rule but there’s no evidence there,
I must see it,
That is my request,
Must see it laid right there on my desk.
“But, Judge,” said Attorney David Boies,
Trying not to make too much noise,
Because the cards were stacked,
He already knew
The Bushes were backed
By some thugs and their crew,
Who only just two weeks ago
Gang-banged them in quite a show,
That the media ignored,
While they whored
For the corporate groups,
That were making Gore stoop
To begging for time,
Over this Republican crime.
“I need to know what you have to show
And just why I should let you go,
Counting those ballots and setting things straight,
Before I can decide your party’s fate,”
Said old Judge Sauls,
From his rocking chair,
As he rocked back and forth,
This just wasn’t fair.
“But how can I the evidence show,
When it is in boxes,
And you won’t let it go,
To be counted and sorted,
So we can see,
If Bush really had a victory,”
Said Gore’s attorney,
That David Boise,
As he continued to make his righteous noise.
“I’m sorry but you have failed you see,
To prove in all probability
That the results would change,
With ballots from the south
Being counted,
Now shut your mouth,
We’d have to count ALL the votes,
Not just in three counties,
Keep it up and I’ll get
Some of those Texas Mounties,
To silence you and your loyal crew,
What I’m presenting here is catch twenty-two.
‘Cause I must see those ballots that are in those boxes,
The boxes we are guarding like you watch foxes,
So you CAN’T show them at all to me,
But still the ballots I must see.”
Said old Judge Sauls as he sat up there,
Behind that desk in his rockin’ chair,
In his folksy way,
On this December day,
“The evidence does not show illegality,
Just where is your mentality?
There’s no dishonesty, negligence, or coercions,
I’m tired of these dad-blamed aspersions
Against the conservatives in my courtroom,
I think with my ruling I can seal your doom
And stop Gore from being President,
A goal on which you seem hell bent
To achieve this day,
And I do believe,
If enough people we can deceive
That my decision here will hold full sway,
It’s just about time
To make some hay.…”
And old Judge Sauls as he rocked away,
Announced his decision on that Floridian day,
And said “the plaintiffs shall take naught from this action,”
And so he dared this Democrat faction.
This conservative judge
Of this kangaroo court,
And stopped the Demos,
His favorite sport,
And sent David Boies
To make some noise,
As strange as it seems,
To the Florida Supremes.
And the George Bush bunch,
Who think to eat
Liberals for lunch,
Is quite a treat,
Announced that they were humbled this day,
And George Bush would have a message to say,
About this honorable fight,
He had just been in,
And started their old media spin,
While old Karen Hughes the Nazi bitch,
Told us Bush would lead,
Now, isn’t THAT rich?
As she talked some more,
This Republican whore,
About the transition,
And their disposition
As they prepare this idiot louse
For the takeover of OUR White House.
And the media raves on and on,
About how Gore should be out and gone,
While Jeb Bush is woozy,
Over his Republican floozy,
Who helped him to throw
This Florida election
To his smirky big brother,
Without one defection,
And we all hope that with a little luck,
From the Florida Supremes,
Maybe we won’t get fucked....
And old Judge Sauls in his rockin’ chair,
Looks all around
At his court room bare,
Smiling to himself as he rocks to and fro,
Knowing he made Gore stub his big toe,
For old Judge Sauls has done his duty
And bet your boots, he’ll collect his booty.
‘Cause old Judge Sauls,
Ain’t one of us folks,
And this really ain’t no joke….
He put all of us behind those bars,
When he made that ruling for the liars,
So if and when they make that transition,
Be prepared to assume the position….
Down in Florida it is stormin’,
GOP should take some warnin’….
Expect all arteries to clog,
Cannot see the sun for the fog….
Game going into one more inning,
So we can see who’s really winning….
really presented a case that could cause Dave Boise to fall on his face?
he is one smart smooth cookie and should have beat this right-wing rookie,
if it hadn’t been for old Judge Sauls, and his infamous conservative calls.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2000
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2000
Temperatures rising….
Someone is going to get bumped….
Gore has goal to go….
or do you think it is merely media propaganda?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2000
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2000
I’m the big shot here,
And I’m not afraid,
To finish off this errant election,
With a little cake icing,
My own sweet confection,
This counting and counting is making me heave,
It’s about time I pulled a trick from my sleeve,
I’ll do it, I’ll do it…I promised this state
To my big brother George,
I will seal Gore’s fate.
They’ll hate me and question my nomenclature,
But I’ll fix this one in the legislature.
I’ll call a special session, start beating the drum,
To name our own electors,
And fix the outcome
Of this silly election that Gore won’t concede,
Is my brother’s--no others--and this is my creed.
Katherine, my lover, has done her part,
It’s now time for me to get a good start,
On settling this one once and for all,
Make Humpty Dumpty take
A great fall….
I’ve laid low for a while,
And stayed out of sight,
And now it’s time to take a bite
Of the Demos, deflate their balloon,
Time’s running out and it isn’t too soon,
To make this move and that I shall,
It’s the showdown here in this OK corral.
And while Jeb is plotting this next bit of graft,
The arguing in court is making us daft,
Gore is fighting there for his life and ours,
In a courtroom battle in the ivory towers
Of Tallahassee in front of a judge,
Who rocks back and forth,
And likes to fudge
On the issues and facts that are presented to him,
And you can watch and watch till your eyes grow dim,
As Gore’s lawyers present all the terrible facts,
Of an electorate denied by these political hacks.
We listen as Judge Sanders Sauls talks like Will Rogers,
But says nothing at all,
As he laughs and chortles and seems in full glee,
At this appearance of his on courtroom TV…
And lets the Bush big attorneys rave on and on,
As they prolong the fight till the days will be gone,
For Gore to claim what is his...the votes are all there,
If the legal system was just on the square.
We watch Bush’s guy by the name of Phil Beck,
Make of the truth a mangled up wreck,
By bringing on witnesses that sound really funny,
And know they are doing it just for the money,
And Al Gore’s man, the straightforward Dave Boies,
Argues his case and makes lots of noise that makes sense to us,
But not to Judge Sauls, who stutters and stammers,
And does appall anyone who justice they seek,
As he rocks in his chair that lets out a squeak,
And says to Gore’s attorney, “can you cut this stuff short?”
And threatens our Democrat hopes to abort.
Will the ballots be counted?
The ones that were trucked,
All the way from Miami, or will the voters get fucked?
They say there’s a million and maybe some more,
That weren’t counted by old Jeb’s Florida whore,
When she sealed the election for the Idiot Child,
Who prances and dances and makes us all wild,
While he does his transition and assumes the position,
Of a leader in chief, and we know that his planning,
Is only fanning the blazing fires of political grief.
And we await with derision the great big decision,
Of the Court of Supremes
And have the bad dreams that come with the thought,
That they can be bought,
For there’s Justice Rehnquist, who just a few years back
Kept people from voting in Arizona,
When he took a crack
At minorities by helping to deny
Them their rights
With an Operation he called Eagle Eye.
That was formed by a right-wing political group,
Designed to make minorities stoop,
And headed by this judge who is now a Supreme,
Strange as this may to all of you seem….
And there’s Justice Thomas who is a political joke,
Married to a woman related
To the George Bush folk,
A man whose morals are questioned and rightly so,
For harassing Anita Hill a long time ago,
And there’s Justice Scalia appointed by old Poppy George,
Whose son’s on their team and carries the torch,
For this bastard from Texas and his fascist crew,
It looks all set up, so what do we do?
With hands in our pockets we all stand around,
Watching these lawyers and reporters,
And media clowns,
Knowing they lie with every breath,
And hoping we are not seeing the death,
Of our country, our Nation, the land that we love,
And wishing the GOP would just go and shove,
Their candidate from Texas,
However crass,
Up their great big tent and elephantine ass….
As rain moves into the Florida area,
The political storms cause hysteria….
Traffic blocked, can’t proceed…
Tho’ Al Gore has the lead….
GOP are getting wary,
Demos trying a Hail Mary….
MONDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2000
doing his silly little victory dance, we can hope both he and his old daddy end up
flat on their faces in a big cow paddy…SAG
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2000
Naow, this here is the FURST day in December, amen,
and those ole days are jus’ a flyin’ by here, amen….
We’re intuh that BIG count daown
an’ I don’t mean the days
until Chrismus either,
amen an’ halleluiah….
I see yuh all a sittin’ out there
all bleery-blood-shot-eyed…dark circles under there…
bin a WATCHIN’ that there TV too dad blamed much,
amen an’ halleluiah…
bin a LISTENIN’ on thet raddio tuh all thet stuff on there
about the polls and ‘bout how all thuh ‘MERICUN peepuls
a wantin’ Gore to back off frum these ‘leckshun stealin’
double-dealin’ kay-hoots out there in Taxes,
amen an’ halleluiah,
And in the back of YORE mines,
amen and halleluiah,
yore a thinkin’ wall, mebbe he SHOULD…he’s a lookin’ kinda silly…
amen and halleluiah…
a goin’ on thet TV alla time and TELLIN’, amen, the PEEPULS,
amen an’ halleluiah,
thet he is fightin’ fer them…
amen and halleluiah….
An’ hits because THEY COUNT, amen and halleluiah,
thet he is a doin’ this, amen.…
And then you’s a listenin’ to all them peepuls
thet would want cha to turn yore backs, amen,
against this FREEDOM FIGHTER named Gore
and make fun of him, amen…
and say maybe he is just a little crazy….
And they’s a gettin’ yuh all mixed up in yore own mine…
amen an’ halleluiah….
An’ then they start this Chrismus COUNT DAOWN,
amen an’ halleluiah,
and you’s got to git those prezunts in, amen,
and yuh got th’ furst of the month bills a starin’ at cha’, amen,
and thet COUNT DAOWN...
amen an’ halleluiah…
and yuh got to git yore car reddy for th’ winter,
amen an’ halleluiah,
and yuh got thet COUNT DAOWN an’ yore kidz needs shoes
an’ yuh got thet COUNT DAOWN and all of a sudden it jus’ seems
there is too many dad-blamed COUNT DAOWNS,
amen and halleluiah….
But jus’ remember, amen an’ halleluiah,
to keep yore eyes on thet prize…fegit all thiz TV hustlin’ stuff…
amen an’ halleluiah…
an’ jus’ don’t let them ole COUNT DAOWNS git the better o’ yuh…
amen an’ halleluiah….
Yuh GOTTA jus’ HANG IN THAR...an’ remember tuh not let them
crooked vote rustlin’ TAXANS
COUNT YUH DAOWN
N’ OUT….
THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE
SATTIREDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2000
Storms persist….
Detour…there’s a muddy road ahead….
Team waiting for ruling….
“Throughout the campaign, Cheney ducked detailed
questions about his heart disease. His blood pressure
and daily medications were not revealed. We now know
that our toleration of his brush-offs was a mistake.”
SATTIREDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2000
...because YOU are SOMEBODY”…SAG
THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2000
The heat is on….
GOP snarls….
Bush stranded on 3rd....
become Chief of Staff…did you know that he was Chief of Intergovernmental
Affairs under President Reagan?...in the days that
initiated “the homeless” and high employment?
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2000
Sagmeister News November 1-15, 2000
Sagmeister News October 16-31, 2000